Friday, April 30, 2010
my bio
my legs are shaking as I wash my face off. Blood, bile, and spit fall from my face. My eyes are glossed over, my hands are torn from my teeth scraping across them from purging. I am weak and need to sit down.
this is what happens every time I purge. My body can't take anymore abuse....I know this as a fact and promise never to do it again! Sometimes I keep my promise for days, weeks, or only a few hours. What kind of life is this?? I know it's not what I planned. I thought I would have a baby by now, and everything would be better. I would of found a new love for my body and a balance to keep myself thin and healthy. A year ago, my fiance carried me from the grocery store floor to the hospital, because I was undernourished and dehydrated. Now a year later I am 15lbs heavier, divorced, and dying. Even as I type the word "dying" it doesn't faze me. I'm not thin anymore, ppl don't care if a fat bulimic dies..."ha she's out of control and for Gods sake she's not even on the thin side!!" they'd say as my parents desperately try to not let me die in vain. My mom would write every news paper, publisher, TV host, and the local TV reporters trying to tell them "bulimia does kill! Look at my daughter!" Unfortunately no one would care, because once they did look they'd see someone who looks chubby, not rail thin. People don't really care unless they see something drastic! Hip-bones sticking out, collar bones, tail bones, and the lovely ribs fully showing, yes that is what ppl would look for. The only part of any picture that would possibly get a sympathetic reaction would be my eyes. My eyes would no longer "sparkle." They would be glazed, lifeless, and hopeless.
I've had disordered eating since I was 10, ED-NOS age 13, Bulimia Nervousa age 14. The fallowing years my weight has fluctuated from a high 145 to a low 108. I am 5'4.5 I was the happiest with my body when I weighed 113. I could wear almost anything and look amazing!! I was living life! Then I got married, abused emotionally but left before it turned physical, and now I am divorced. My ed has taken off! Instead of becoming thinner, I turn to food, then freak out, purge, and here i am, age 23 and in the middle of f***ed up self
this is what happens every time I purge. My body can't take anymore abuse....I know this as a fact and promise never to do it again! Sometimes I keep my promise for days, weeks, or only a few hours. What kind of life is this?? I know it's not what I planned. I thought I would have a baby by now, and everything would be better. I would of found a new love for my body and a balance to keep myself thin and healthy. A year ago, my fiance carried me from the grocery store floor to the hospital, because I was undernourished and dehydrated. Now a year later I am 15lbs heavier, divorced, and dying. Even as I type the word "dying" it doesn't faze me. I'm not thin anymore, ppl don't care if a fat bulimic dies..."ha she's out of control and for Gods sake she's not even on the thin side!!" they'd say as my parents desperately try to not let me die in vain. My mom would write every news paper, publisher, TV host, and the local TV reporters trying to tell them "bulimia does kill! Look at my daughter!" Unfortunately no one would care, because once they did look they'd see someone who looks chubby, not rail thin. People don't really care unless they see something drastic! Hip-bones sticking out, collar bones, tail bones, and the lovely ribs fully showing, yes that is what ppl would look for. The only part of any picture that would possibly get a sympathetic reaction would be my eyes. My eyes would no longer "sparkle." They would be glazed, lifeless, and hopeless.
I've had disordered eating since I was 10, ED-NOS age 13, Bulimia Nervousa age 14. The fallowing years my weight has fluctuated from a high 145 to a low 108. I am 5'4.5 I was the happiest with my body when I weighed 113. I could wear almost anything and look amazing!! I was living life! Then I got married, abused emotionally but left before it turned physical, and now I am divorced. My ed has taken off! Instead of becoming thinner, I turn to food, then freak out, purge, and here i am, age 23 and in the middle of f***ed up self
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