122.8
I'm trying to sleep this weekend away! Unfortunately I'm awake at 2am
this is what I want to be a thin-toned 110lb 5'5 person by August 23
I need to write more, my post are lame.
a lot is going on so I'll update later
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
eagle eyes on me, errr
I was doing wayy good then mom noticed.
She literally ran out to my car in the poring rain to yell at me about eating! wtf? I was down to 119.6 & on my way to 118, but I messed up. Her watchful eye drove me crazy! Ended up binging that night. 3 days later & I'm at 122.olbs. Bloated, acid reflux, all the shitty things that come with sudden food in an empty body.
Tomorrow I'm flying off to my bros wedding
Plan; only eat when mom is watching, exercise daily at hotel gym, zero binges or desserts! I'll allow myself 4 small bites of wedding cake, but thats all. I'll keep the drinks to a min, no mixed drinks (full of sugar&cals!)
I want to be thin! My friend is going into treatment july 2-august 3rd. She's at the point where she could die, so I'm glad she's going. however, extremely jealous of her skinny boney arms! :-( 105 is a very good weight for me, that's my goal! By August 25 when I visit friends back home.
~C~
She literally ran out to my car in the poring rain to yell at me about eating! wtf? I was down to 119.6 & on my way to 118, but I messed up. Her watchful eye drove me crazy! Ended up binging that night. 3 days later & I'm at 122.olbs. Bloated, acid reflux, all the shitty things that come with sudden food in an empty body.
Tomorrow I'm flying off to my bros wedding
Plan; only eat when mom is watching, exercise daily at hotel gym, zero binges or desserts! I'll allow myself 4 small bites of wedding cake, but thats all. I'll keep the drinks to a min, no mixed drinks (full of sugar&cals!)
I want to be thin! My friend is going into treatment july 2-august 3rd. She's at the point where she could die, so I'm glad she's going. however, extremely jealous of her skinny boney arms! :-( 105 is a very good weight for me, that's my goal! By August 25 when I visit friends back home.
~C~
Saturday, June 12, 2010
19.6lbs & PBD thoughts
Down to 19.6! My hip bones are showing more & clothes are baggier :-) size 4 womens are too big, size 7 jrs is just right.
CW:19.6
H: 5'5
July 1stGW: 113
August 1stGW: 105
I walk a lot at work. Consume ave 800cal/day
Finally bought a gym membership!! I have physical therapy Monday & Tuesday for my shoulder. Hopefully it will start feeling better & I can start kicking ass!
I need to start exploring my BPD. My entries will be updates on my weight & various discoveries about my mental state.
Damn, locked my keys in my car along with my book! I was going to copy a part from Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here, a memoir about BPD.
When I was married I often attacked my husband over small things or things I really didn't care too much about. I'd make this big deal, yell, hit, cry, anything to get a response. I would say things, wanting to hear him tell me I'm a piece of shit, to confirm my own thoughts. In the book Rachel does this and her therapist says its called manipulation. As I look back, see my horrible actions & words, I know I was trying to manipulate him. I realized this is how I deal with my parents too.
idk how to fix this part of me, but at least I now have some clarity on my behavior.
5hrs later
I want a baby. It's a selfish act but I want one! Seriously don't care about the dad or money. *sigh* I can't shake this desire. honestly it's like a longing & sadness that I'm not pregnant.
Last year my ex and I tried for 11months to get pregnant. It didn't happen so idk if I can. Look I know it's wrong....I'm going to write my psychologist I used to see before I moved. He'll help me, maybe even meet with me while I'm there :-D I hope!!!
I'll eat "normal" tomorrow with family 1000cal fast Monday, 200cal Tues, 200 cal Wed
If anyone reads this, plz let me know any thoughts you have. Good or bad I don't care
CW:19.6
H: 5'5
July 1stGW: 113
August 1stGW: 105
I walk a lot at work. Consume ave 800cal/day
Finally bought a gym membership!! I have physical therapy Monday & Tuesday for my shoulder. Hopefully it will start feeling better & I can start kicking ass!
I need to start exploring my BPD. My entries will be updates on my weight & various discoveries about my mental state.
Damn, locked my keys in my car along with my book! I was going to copy a part from Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here, a memoir about BPD.
When I was married I often attacked my husband over small things or things I really didn't care too much about. I'd make this big deal, yell, hit, cry, anything to get a response. I would say things, wanting to hear him tell me I'm a piece of shit, to confirm my own thoughts. In the book Rachel does this and her therapist says its called manipulation. As I look back, see my horrible actions & words, I know I was trying to manipulate him. I realized this is how I deal with my parents too.
idk how to fix this part of me, but at least I now have some clarity on my behavior.
5hrs later
I want a baby. It's a selfish act but I want one! Seriously don't care about the dad or money. *sigh* I can't shake this desire. honestly it's like a longing & sadness that I'm not pregnant.
Last year my ex and I tried for 11months to get pregnant. It didn't happen so idk if I can. Look I know it's wrong....I'm going to write my psychologist I used to see before I moved. He'll help me, maybe even meet with me while I'm there :-D I hope!!!
I'll eat "normal" tomorrow with family 1000cal fast Monday, 200cal Tues, 200 cal Wed
If anyone reads this, plz let me know any thoughts you have. Good or bad I don't care
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