I have 20 days til my brothers wedding. OMG!!!
My mom's parents are visiting which throws everything out of wack! More food! More sweets! More EVERYTHING!
I hide in my room, but not well enough.... food gets me out of bed and keeps me there depending on my mood. I've had to cut back my smoking to when I'm at work, about 3/day instead of 7. Trut me, it makes a difference!
I have to go to work.
current intake: 720
haven't weighed myself, i'm scared, but I will tomorrow.
I can NOT have these flabby arms in all those pics :-S oh and to make things even better, I'm guyless. No on is interested. J got a new gf
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
24 hour fast
4 hours gone on my 24hr fast! Yea!!
20hrs left!
STGW: 116 May 20th
LTGW: 105 September 2010
20hrs left!
STGW: 116 May 20th
LTGW: 105 September 2010
horrible day off, its barely started
I'm not thinspirational :-( Just a fat mia
I NEED to find another job!! Whenever I'm home with my mom I get this overwhelming pressure to eat. If I don't eat, she'll say something. If I eat too much, she'll say something. idk what to do.
Intake as of 12noon: 1 1/2 servings of Special K cereal with 2% milk =289.5
I NEED to find another job!! Whenever I'm home with my mom I get this overwhelming pressure to eat. If I don't eat, she'll say something. If I eat too much, she'll say something. idk what to do.
Intake as of 12noon: 1 1/2 servings of Special K cereal with 2% milk =289.5
Monday, May 24, 2010
fucking asshole
I went to a campfire drinking thing on Saturday. This guy N invited me from my work. We've flirted, a lot, and I thought maybe we'd go further than just words. I held back, being around ppl idk, unsure of whats acceptable in this group. He has me sitting next to him, we get closer, our fingers touch, but he doesn't go grab my hand, so I get up and get another drink. When I came back some ppl where asking him about Rachel. I have NO clue who she is but listen and pretend not to care. Then someone says congratulations on your engagement! To make it worse, the girls there were wispering to each other. Very immature! Anyway, it was obviously about me and N.I play it cool, wait 30 min, then go home.
Today we were txting all morning and he asks me if I want to have lunch with him. I told him I already ate, but would meet him there. We talked about dumb nothing stuff, he went back to work, I got ready for work.
I wanted to confront him about his fiance or say something about him being a douche! Work was busy, I avoided him.
I want to be numb again....
to waste away
to care more about calories & my weight than anything else.....
I've lost 4lbs! The size 6 pants I bought last week are falling of me :-)
I don't want to think anymore tonight
~C~
Today we were txting all morning and he asks me if I want to have lunch with him. I told him I already ate, but would meet him there. We talked about dumb nothing stuff, he went back to work, I got ready for work.
I wanted to confront him about his fiance or say something about him being a douche! Work was busy, I avoided him.
I want to be numb again....
to waste away
to care more about calories & my weight than anything else.....
I've lost 4lbs! The size 6 pants I bought last week are falling of me :-)
I don't want to think anymore tonight
~C~
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
blah
125.8
Errr O_o
Itake: 625
Through the yrs my metabolism has gone crazy! In treatment I ate 1800cal to maintain a "normal" body weight.
I can loose 1lb/day if I don't eat more than 300cal. Right now I need to shrink my stomach and exercise.
Hopefully I'll fall asleep early tonight
What a blah day......
Errr O_o
Itake: 625
Through the yrs my metabolism has gone crazy! In treatment I ate 1800cal to maintain a "normal" body weight.
I can loose 1lb/day if I don't eat more than 300cal. Right now I need to shrink my stomach and exercise.
Hopefully I'll fall asleep early tonight
What a blah day......
Sunday, May 16, 2010
G & B, drugs, and phone calls
The owners of the residential treatment center "G" and "B" have become friends of the family. B, the mom, came to my high school graduation and their family came to my wedding last year! I reached out to them for support after I left my husband. We had a few phone conversations, G took me out to have drink, and talk about everything.
I felt loved, needed, accepted, and hopeful
....but I ended everything.
I surrounded myself with new "friends" Ha! More like users, using each other to avoid whatever lay below the surface! Getting stoned everyday, always looking for more, getting more, telling lies to feed these addictions. At first it was just weed and alcohol, but I gained weight so I switched to crystals.
Watching the flame create a puddle in the glass bowl, waiting for the white cloud to swirl around, breathe it in, and blow out a white cloud. The bigger the cloud, the more intense the high, the cycle continues.
I'm always high on something! I can't stop because I don't want to. My sister notices, confronts me, I don't deny it, and she becomes my solace. When I'm coming down, we smoke some weed, calming my jitters and paranoia. She's a recovered tweeker and is the only one I trust.
I was high when we celebrated my mom's bday. I felt horrible! If she knew, she would be crushed. My mind was scattered.... It became harder to get high...needles were offered, "cheese," E, somehow I said no. Instead I drove to get more shards! I was broke...i screwed him and got what I wanted.
This is when you fall til you crash.
This is when you become someone else.
Your name is erased and you are known as a tweeker, easy, dirty, whore
This is when I decided to move. My sister said she would tell someone if I didn't move and sober up. 5 days later, I moved 4 states away.
I dealt with withdrawals by embracing my ed. Mia took over first, typical since it's the one I've had the longest, then exercise, and now I'm restricting. Still avoiding, still scared, but I have a name now! :-) I have a full-time position at a retail store, and I've been sober for 5wks.
Before I moved, I wrote a letter to G&B telling them I was doing drugs and needed to move. G called me right away, I didn't answer, he left a message saying they care about me, hope everything goes well, and they all love me. I was too anxious to answer. B called me a week ago, left a message saying she was thinking about me, wanted to talk, wondered how I'm doing, and loves me. They both asked me to give them a call! I haven't, yet.
I've developed this new fear of talking on the phone. I put my phone on silent or turn it off. I used to talk to everyone, especially G&B. I wanted them to care! To call! To know I'm loved by them! But now....I can't bring myself to call back.
What's wrong with me??
~~~~~~~~~~food update~~~~~~~
Apple 80cal
Crackers 100cal
Dinner
Lean Cuisine meal: 260
banana: 105
Total: 545
burned:170
~~~~~4hrs later~~~~~~
mine binge! :-S
toast with light butter: 160
single serving of trailmix: 130
End of the day total= 665
I felt loved, needed, accepted, and hopeful
....but I ended everything.
I surrounded myself with new "friends" Ha! More like users, using each other to avoid whatever lay below the surface! Getting stoned everyday, always looking for more, getting more, telling lies to feed these addictions. At first it was just weed and alcohol, but I gained weight so I switched to crystals.
Watching the flame create a puddle in the glass bowl, waiting for the white cloud to swirl around, breathe it in, and blow out a white cloud. The bigger the cloud, the more intense the high, the cycle continues.
I'm always high on something! I can't stop because I don't want to. My sister notices, confronts me, I don't deny it, and she becomes my solace. When I'm coming down, we smoke some weed, calming my jitters and paranoia. She's a recovered tweeker and is the only one I trust.
I was high when we celebrated my mom's bday. I felt horrible! If she knew, she would be crushed. My mind was scattered.... It became harder to get high...needles were offered, "cheese," E, somehow I said no. Instead I drove to get more shards! I was broke...i screwed him and got what I wanted.
This is when you fall til you crash.
This is when you become someone else.
Your name is erased and you are known as a tweeker, easy, dirty, whore
This is when I decided to move. My sister said she would tell someone if I didn't move and sober up. 5 days later, I moved 4 states away.
I dealt with withdrawals by embracing my ed. Mia took over first, typical since it's the one I've had the longest, then exercise, and now I'm restricting. Still avoiding, still scared, but I have a name now! :-) I have a full-time position at a retail store, and I've been sober for 5wks.
Before I moved, I wrote a letter to G&B telling them I was doing drugs and needed to move. G called me right away, I didn't answer, he left a message saying they care about me, hope everything goes well, and they all love me. I was too anxious to answer. B called me a week ago, left a message saying she was thinking about me, wanted to talk, wondered how I'm doing, and loves me. They both asked me to give them a call! I haven't, yet.
I've developed this new fear of talking on the phone. I put my phone on silent or turn it off. I used to talk to everyone, especially G&B. I wanted them to care! To call! To know I'm loved by them! But now....I can't bring myself to call back.
What's wrong with me??
~~~~~~~~~~food update~~~~~~~
Apple 80cal
Crackers 100cal
Dinner
Lean Cuisine meal: 260
banana: 105
Total: 545
burned:
~~~~~4hrs later~~~~~~
mine binge! :-S
toast with light butter: 160
single serving of trailmix: 130
End of the day total= 665
Saturday, May 15, 2010
when did a size 4 turn into 32inches???
Has anyone else noticed sizes being off???
Two weeks ago I bought a pair of pants, size 4 @ Old Navy. Measured in inches, 32. 32!!! Since when did 32in turn into a size 4??? It's making fat ppl think they look good, brilliant for the CEO's to make millions off of America getting fatter! Ladies, measure your pants or keep the one pair you know are your skinny pants.
Bought a dress at Maurices, size 7/9. They aren't as unrealistic, still too big for me who's only 5'4...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Personal notes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rambo and I have been txting all day! :-) He said if I didn't move, he wanted to become exclusive!! :-D OMG! He's this perfectly sculpted milk chocolate man! He plays fball for the U and used to run track. I don't know why guys like him are attracted to me*shrugs* Next time he see's me I will be toned! He'll fall for me!
Two weeks ago I bought a pair of pants, size 4 @ Old Navy. Measured in inches, 32. 32!!! Since when did 32in turn into a size 4??? It's making fat ppl think they look good, brilliant for the CEO's to make millions off of America getting fatter! Ladies, measure your pants or keep the one pair you know are your skinny pants.
Bought a dress at Maurices, size 7/9. They aren't as unrealistic, still too big for me who's only 5'4...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Personal notes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rambo and I have been txting all day! :-) He said if I didn't move, he wanted to become exclusive!! :-D OMG! He's this perfectly sculpted milk chocolate man! He plays fball for the U and used to run track. I don't know why guys like him are attracted to me*shrugs* Next time he see's me I will be toned! He'll fall for me!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
day 1 of fast
Mom moved in....it's like i'm 17 again! All the emotions from 5yrs ago are back. I hate this!! I can't write much cause she's always around, surprised I was able to get on for this short update.
Intake: coffee & creamer= 35cal
I work from 3pm-7pm. My hours got cut for no reason! I talked to my manager, he got pissed that I even asked about it, and now I'm looking for another job. I can't move back home when I'm working 22hrs/wk and getting paid jack shit!
My mood is horrible. I thought about cutting to feel the release of all these emotions, but didn't.
fml! The worst part about all of this is, I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME!!
Time to grow up! Time to get skinny! Time to become ana!!
Intake: coffee & creamer= 35cal
I work from 3pm-7pm. My hours got cut for no reason! I talked to my manager, he got pissed that I even asked about it, and now I'm looking for another job. I can't move back home when I'm working 22hrs/wk and getting paid jack shit!
My mood is horrible. I thought about cutting to feel the release of all these emotions, but didn't.
fml! The worst part about all of this is, I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME!!
Time to grow up! Time to get skinny! Time to become ana!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I went on facebook, had no post, or anything from anyone! Confirmed what I knew, no one gives a damn!
The only thing that will make a difference is me loosing weight. Being thin makes "friends" notice. ana thin makes everyone notice! It also will make me not give a damn about anyone else!
CW: 124.4
STGW: 120 (May 17)
I'm sooo lonely....At least when I was with my ex, I was with someone. Pathetic, I know!
The only thing that will make a difference is me loosing weight. Being thin makes "friends" notice. ana thin makes everyone notice! It also will make me not give a damn about anyone else!
CW: 124.4
STGW: 120 (May 17)
I'm sooo lonely....At least when I was with my ex, I was with someone. Pathetic, I know!
Monday, May 10, 2010
family pics!! o_O
my brothers wedding is June 20th. For some fucked up reason the rest of the fam decided it'd be a perfect time for family portraits!! Our last one on that side of the family was when i was 11.
Pictures always scare me, if it one that shows more than my face. This will be big-show-everyone-off pictures!! I MUST look good! I do not want hate the family pics cause I'm fat!
Goal: 110 by June 20th!!
I will not eat unless it is absolutely necessary, ex; family meals.
Tomorrow's intake will be 600
Wednesday: 80(for cream in my 8cups of coffee :-P)
Thursday: 80 " "
We might go in the city to see a museum and do some shopping. Sometimes I can easily avoid eating, but not always.
You might be wondering why I'm worried about my parents when I'm 23, right? After my separation-now divorce- I moved back to my parents house. I had no where else to go and no money. If my parents notice I'm restricting, they'll hound me about counseling! ok, when I'm 90lbs I'll go back to treatment! Until then, Fuck off!!
Exercise is difficult since I injured my shoulder. Luckily I've gotten my parents to pay for physical therapy to fix it ;-) I'm going to try this kickboxing DVD tomorrow to get my ass going!
May 17 I'll be 122
5lbs to loose!!!!
Pictures always scare me, if it one that shows more than my face. This will be big-show-everyone-off pictures!! I MUST look good! I do not want hate the family pics cause I'm fat!
Goal: 110 by June 20th!!
I will not eat unless it is absolutely necessary, ex; family meals.
Tomorrow's intake will be 600
Wednesday: 80(for cream in my 8cups of coffee :-P)
Thursday: 80 " "
We might go in the city to see a museum and do some shopping. Sometimes I can easily avoid eating, but not always.
You might be wondering why I'm worried about my parents when I'm 23, right? After my separation-now divorce- I moved back to my parents house. I had no where else to go and no money. If my parents notice I'm restricting, they'll hound me about counseling! ok, when I'm 90lbs I'll go back to treatment! Until then, Fuck off!!
Exercise is difficult since I injured my shoulder. Luckily I've gotten my parents to pay for physical therapy to fix it ;-) I'm going to try this kickboxing DVD tomorrow to get my ass going!
May 17 I'll be 122
5lbs to loose!!!!
Friday, May 7, 2010
24hr
Starting a 24hr fast right now. I need to feel the high not eating!
Intake
Corn Flake cereal with skim milk= 220
3/4 scone= 380
Total:600
Intake
Corn Flake cereal with skim milk= 220
3/4 scone= 380
Total:600
Monday, May 3, 2010
hottness
I work at 3:30pm-10:30pm. I have a job interview for a homehealth care position! I am very hopeful today. :-) After my brother's wedding, when I look way good, I'm going to do a radio interview for myfreeimplants.com It'll help spread the word that I need help getting boobs! lol
This friday I get paid, yea! I'm going to finally get a gym membership,and can go back onto my intense exercising plan. Basically I bust my ass til I burn 1000cal. It does wonders for me!
I'll be toned, sexy, and ready for summer! What else could I need? Oh ya, a few guys but that's easy when you'r hot ;-)
This friday I get paid, yea! I'm going to finally get a gym membership,and can go back onto my intense exercising plan. Basically I bust my ass til I burn 1000cal. It does wonders for me!
I'll be toned, sexy, and ready for summer! What else could I need? Oh ya, a few guys but that's easy when you'r hot ;-)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
7 day plan
I added a 7-day plan to my blog. I call it "Down the Rabbit Hole." It's a reference to Alice in Wonder Land. The further she chase the white rabbit, the harder it is to find her way back home.
I have 7wks to loose-at least-15lbs! It won't be hard once I tap into my restricting self.
This is seriously an addiction. Once the numbers on the scale go down, the high/happiness becomes what you strive for, to reach that high one more time, knowing you're in control, and nothing can take this feeling away from you!
PS
Height; 5'4 1/2
I have 7wks to loose-at least-15lbs! It won't be hard once I tap into my restricting self.
This is seriously an addiction. Once the numbers on the scale go down, the high/happiness becomes what you strive for, to reach that high one more time, knowing you're in control, and nothing can take this feeling away from you!
PS
Height; 5'4 1/2
Saturday, May 1, 2010
anxiety, jobs, and ex
CW:125.0
STGW: 119
LTGW: 108
Watching "Dead Like Me" it's a comedy that cheers me up! She reminds me of a mix of me and my friend Kali. The character, George(she's a girl), makes realistic observations that the majority of ppl would find rude, but I think they're hilarious!!
My dad and I went to the bakery for breakfast. I stuffed myself with an apple fritter, went home, purged, then back to sleep. When I woke up, I had this urrgency to apply for jobs!! I took a Klonipin/Clonzipam to ward off a panic attack, and started applying!
I have a job at a retail store, but it's short-term. Of course they don't know that....I'll work, be happy or prettend to be happy, smile, but most of all; use it to loose all this fat!
While I was married, i turned to food to avoid my husband. A year ago, when we got engaged, I was 110. Obviously my marriage was a disaster....every time I eat and I'm not hungry, I blame him. I know it was always my choice but it was easier to eat than talk to an abusive husband.
I need to go
intake: 920
burned: 200
STGW: 119
LTGW: 108
Watching "Dead Like Me" it's a comedy that cheers me up! She reminds me of a mix of me and my friend Kali. The character, George(she's a girl), makes realistic observations that the majority of ppl would find rude, but I think they're hilarious!!
My dad and I went to the bakery for breakfast. I stuffed myself with an apple fritter, went home, purged, then back to sleep. When I woke up, I had this urrgency to apply for jobs!! I took a Klonipin/Clonzipam to ward off a panic attack, and started applying!
I have a job at a retail store, but it's short-term. Of course they don't know that....I'll work, be happy or prettend to be happy, smile, but most of all; use it to loose all this fat!
While I was married, i turned to food to avoid my husband. A year ago, when we got engaged, I was 110. Obviously my marriage was a disaster....every time I eat and I'm not hungry, I blame him. I know it was always my choice but it was easier to eat than talk to an abusive husband.
I need to go
intake: 920
burned: 200
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
