122.8
I'm trying to sleep this weekend away! Unfortunately I'm awake at 2am
this is what I want to be a thin-toned 110lb 5'5 person by August 23
I need to write more, my post are lame.
a lot is going on so I'll update later
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
eagle eyes on me, errr
I was doing wayy good then mom noticed.
She literally ran out to my car in the poring rain to yell at me about eating! wtf? I was down to 119.6 & on my way to 118, but I messed up. Her watchful eye drove me crazy! Ended up binging that night. 3 days later & I'm at 122.olbs. Bloated, acid reflux, all the shitty things that come with sudden food in an empty body.
Tomorrow I'm flying off to my bros wedding
Plan; only eat when mom is watching, exercise daily at hotel gym, zero binges or desserts! I'll allow myself 4 small bites of wedding cake, but thats all. I'll keep the drinks to a min, no mixed drinks (full of sugar&cals!)
I want to be thin! My friend is going into treatment july 2-august 3rd. She's at the point where she could die, so I'm glad she's going. however, extremely jealous of her skinny boney arms! :-( 105 is a very good weight for me, that's my goal! By August 25 when I visit friends back home.
~C~
She literally ran out to my car in the poring rain to yell at me about eating! wtf? I was down to 119.6 & on my way to 118, but I messed up. Her watchful eye drove me crazy! Ended up binging that night. 3 days later & I'm at 122.olbs. Bloated, acid reflux, all the shitty things that come with sudden food in an empty body.
Tomorrow I'm flying off to my bros wedding
Plan; only eat when mom is watching, exercise daily at hotel gym, zero binges or desserts! I'll allow myself 4 small bites of wedding cake, but thats all. I'll keep the drinks to a min, no mixed drinks (full of sugar&cals!)
I want to be thin! My friend is going into treatment july 2-august 3rd. She's at the point where she could die, so I'm glad she's going. however, extremely jealous of her skinny boney arms! :-( 105 is a very good weight for me, that's my goal! By August 25 when I visit friends back home.
~C~
Saturday, June 12, 2010
19.6lbs & PBD thoughts
Down to 19.6! My hip bones are showing more & clothes are baggier :-) size 4 womens are too big, size 7 jrs is just right.
CW:19.6
H: 5'5
July 1stGW: 113
August 1stGW: 105
I walk a lot at work. Consume ave 800cal/day
Finally bought a gym membership!! I have physical therapy Monday & Tuesday for my shoulder. Hopefully it will start feeling better & I can start kicking ass!
I need to start exploring my BPD. My entries will be updates on my weight & various discoveries about my mental state.
Damn, locked my keys in my car along with my book! I was going to copy a part from Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here, a memoir about BPD.
When I was married I often attacked my husband over small things or things I really didn't care too much about. I'd make this big deal, yell, hit, cry, anything to get a response. I would say things, wanting to hear him tell me I'm a piece of shit, to confirm my own thoughts. In the book Rachel does this and her therapist says its called manipulation. As I look back, see my horrible actions & words, I know I was trying to manipulate him. I realized this is how I deal with my parents too.
idk how to fix this part of me, but at least I now have some clarity on my behavior.
5hrs later
I want a baby. It's a selfish act but I want one! Seriously don't care about the dad or money. *sigh* I can't shake this desire. honestly it's like a longing & sadness that I'm not pregnant.
Last year my ex and I tried for 11months to get pregnant. It didn't happen so idk if I can. Look I know it's wrong....I'm going to write my psychologist I used to see before I moved. He'll help me, maybe even meet with me while I'm there :-D I hope!!!
I'll eat "normal" tomorrow with family 1000cal fast Monday, 200cal Tues, 200 cal Wed
If anyone reads this, plz let me know any thoughts you have. Good or bad I don't care
CW:19.6
H: 5'5
July 1stGW: 113
August 1stGW: 105
I walk a lot at work. Consume ave 800cal/day
Finally bought a gym membership!! I have physical therapy Monday & Tuesday for my shoulder. Hopefully it will start feeling better & I can start kicking ass!
I need to start exploring my BPD. My entries will be updates on my weight & various discoveries about my mental state.
Damn, locked my keys in my car along with my book! I was going to copy a part from Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here, a memoir about BPD.
When I was married I often attacked my husband over small things or things I really didn't care too much about. I'd make this big deal, yell, hit, cry, anything to get a response. I would say things, wanting to hear him tell me I'm a piece of shit, to confirm my own thoughts. In the book Rachel does this and her therapist says its called manipulation. As I look back, see my horrible actions & words, I know I was trying to manipulate him. I realized this is how I deal with my parents too.
idk how to fix this part of me, but at least I now have some clarity on my behavior.
5hrs later
I want a baby. It's a selfish act but I want one! Seriously don't care about the dad or money. *sigh* I can't shake this desire. honestly it's like a longing & sadness that I'm not pregnant.
Last year my ex and I tried for 11months to get pregnant. It didn't happen so idk if I can. Look I know it's wrong....I'm going to write my psychologist I used to see before I moved. He'll help me, maybe even meet with me while I'm there :-D I hope!!!
I'll eat "normal" tomorrow with family 1000cal fast Monday, 200cal Tues, 200 cal Wed
If anyone reads this, plz let me know any thoughts you have. Good or bad I don't care
Monday, May 31, 2010
I have 20 days til my brothers wedding. OMG!!!
My mom's parents are visiting which throws everything out of wack! More food! More sweets! More EVERYTHING!
I hide in my room, but not well enough.... food gets me out of bed and keeps me there depending on my mood. I've had to cut back my smoking to when I'm at work, about 3/day instead of 7. Trut me, it makes a difference!
I have to go to work.
current intake: 720
haven't weighed myself, i'm scared, but I will tomorrow.
I can NOT have these flabby arms in all those pics :-S oh and to make things even better, I'm guyless. No on is interested. J got a new gf
My mom's parents are visiting which throws everything out of wack! More food! More sweets! More EVERYTHING!
I hide in my room, but not well enough.... food gets me out of bed and keeps me there depending on my mood. I've had to cut back my smoking to when I'm at work, about 3/day instead of 7. Trut me, it makes a difference!
I have to go to work.
current intake: 720
haven't weighed myself, i'm scared, but I will tomorrow.
I can NOT have these flabby arms in all those pics :-S oh and to make things even better, I'm guyless. No on is interested. J got a new gf
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
24 hour fast
4 hours gone on my 24hr fast! Yea!!
20hrs left!
STGW: 116 May 20th
LTGW: 105 September 2010
20hrs left!
STGW: 116 May 20th
LTGW: 105 September 2010
horrible day off, its barely started
I'm not thinspirational :-( Just a fat mia
I NEED to find another job!! Whenever I'm home with my mom I get this overwhelming pressure to eat. If I don't eat, she'll say something. If I eat too much, she'll say something. idk what to do.
Intake as of 12noon: 1 1/2 servings of Special K cereal with 2% milk =289.5
I NEED to find another job!! Whenever I'm home with my mom I get this overwhelming pressure to eat. If I don't eat, she'll say something. If I eat too much, she'll say something. idk what to do.
Intake as of 12noon: 1 1/2 servings of Special K cereal with 2% milk =289.5
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