19.6lbs & PBD thoughts

Down to 19.6! My hip bones are showing more & clothes are baggier :-) size 4 womens are too big, size 7 jrs is just right.
CW:19.6
H: 5'5
July 1stGW: 113
August 1stGW: 105
I walk a lot at work. Consume ave 800cal/day
Finally bought a gym membership!! I have physical therapy Monday & Tuesday for my shoulder. Hopefully it will start feeling better & I can start kicking ass!

I need to start exploring my BPD. My entries will be updates on my weight & various discoveries about my mental state.
Damn, locked my keys in my car along with my book! I was going to copy a part from Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here, a memoir about BPD.
When I was married I often attacked my husband over small things or things I really didn't care too much about. I'd make this big deal, yell, hit, cry, anything to get a response. I would say things, wanting to hear him tell me I'm a piece of shit, to confirm my own thoughts. In the book Rachel does this and her therapist says its called manipulation. As I look back, see my horrible actions & words, I know I was trying to manipulate him. I realized this is how I deal with my parents too.
idk how to fix this part of me, but at least I now have some clarity on my behavior.
5hrs later

I want a baby. It's a selfish act but I want one! Seriously don't care about the dad or money. *sigh* I can't shake this desire. honestly it's like a longing & sadness that I'm not pregnant.
Last year my ex and I tried for 11months to get pregnant. It didn't happen so idk if I can. Look I know it's wrong....I'm going to write my psychologist I used to see before I moved. He'll help me, maybe even meet with me while I'm there :-D I hope!!!
I'll eat "normal" tomorrow with family 1000cal fast Monday, 200cal Tues, 200 cal Wed

If anyone reads this, plz let me know any thoughts you have. Good or bad I don't care